haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
