____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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