I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
