if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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