that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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