I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
