My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
