just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
