OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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