my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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