Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
