I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
