i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
