There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
