So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
