Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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