he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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