you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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