dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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