We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
