well I can't set my house on fire every night
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
