After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize