I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
