Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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