Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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