I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
