Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
