my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
