I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
