I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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