life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
