btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
