I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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