I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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