My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
