like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Dear god my vagina.
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