You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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