Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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