We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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