I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I could fuck to npr.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm bleeding and have questions
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
