Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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