I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
whose parrot is this?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
