With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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