He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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