Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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