why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
