I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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