someone threw a dead crab at me
I think I died a long time ago.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
