Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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