Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
