my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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