Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
