Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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