just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
And then he peed in my hair
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
