if only i could text you this smell
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
