Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize