Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
