i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize