You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
