i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You're breaking my sexual little heart
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
