Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
