At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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