I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
