my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
