I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
