Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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