i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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