Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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