My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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